7 Questions Every Self-Critical Person Should Ask Themselves
Self-criticism is common but can be harmful and unproductive. To better understand why you do it and how to change, ask yourself these questions:
1. In what ways is self-criticism a (misguided) form of protection for you?
Self-criticism often masquerades as a form of protection, convincing us that weâll become lazy if we stop being self-critical, or that perfection is the only way to prove our worth as a human.
Smart, but insecure, kids often believe that their smartness is their only redeeming quality, leading them to harshly criticize themselves for any struggles they canât solve through mental effort.
Some people fear theyâll become dysregulated if theyâre not self-critical. For instance, you might believe that self-criticism is the only thing that stops you from being lazy at work, making social faux pas, or overeating and under-exercising.
2. Where/How did you (erroneously) learn that self-criticism was helpful?
Perhaps you saw a parent being self-critical, but they didnât have many other skills for regulating themselves.
Perhaps you always did well academically or at the gym, and you reasoned that self-criticism was necessary for continuing those achievements, even if it wasnât.
3. What role models do you have who are less self-critical than you are?
Pick people who are well-regulated but not self-critical.
Sometimes people who stick out as not self-critical are narcissists, and we canât learn much from them. We see they lack self-criticism but nor do we want to be like them.
Can you think of healthier non-self-critical role models? For example, I recently came across some bodybuilding videos that conveyed a refreshing attitude to dieting.
The videos acknowledged that dieting results in crankiness, impaired concentration at work, and diminished energy for basic household tasks like taking out the trash, and therefore should only be short-term.
The attitude expressed was that dieting has this impact broadly, not that it was a personal flaw to react this way to calorie restriction. Many self-critical people believe they should be able to diet, without their mood or performance being affected.
If identifying non-self-critical role models is hard, this is a sign you need to find some. Identify people who arenât self-critical, and who are successful in the ways you want to be, but who donât have negative characteristics like narcissism or anti-social personality traits.*
4. What experiments in being less self-critical are you interested to try?
One way to become less self-critical is to frame it as a series of experiments. When we experiment, we get to test if self-criticism is protective, or if it actually might be hampering our performance.
For example, Iâm interested in what happens if Iâm less self-critical about how much work I can realistically do. I tend to aim to consistently perform as well as I do on my best days when I logically know from experience that isnât sustainable. I rationally know that not every day can be one of my best days, but I self-critically expect this of myself.
5. What are your fears about trying those experiments?
What do you fear might happen if you try the experiments you just outlined? Can you handle those fears? Remember you can always go back to doing whatever you did before.
6. What cultural messages feed into your self-criticism?
Research shows that people who arenât male or white tend to be judged more harshly for their mistakes, for longer. On this basis, it makes sense for women and people of color to work very hard to avoid mistakes.
However, self-criticism isnât a very useful way to do this. In general, it doesnât help us avoid mistakes. It can even make us more mistake-prone. For example, if we become less willing to seek needed support.
When you acknowledge how social biases and messaging contribute to your self-criticism, it can help you see the learned aspect of it. You can better understand that youâre trying to protect yourself in very understandable, but ultimately unhelpful ways.
7. What hidden forms of self-criticism are common for you?
Self-criticism is sometimes obvious but not always. For instance, if your self-talk is âIâm such a loserâ then thatâs obvious. However, it can manifest in lots of sneaky ways like having unrealistic expectations of yourself, or always expecting yourself to perform better than literally everyone else.
Self-criticism can take cognitive (self-talk) forms and behavioral forms. For instance, pushing yourself beyond your limits, even when youâve achieved your daily goals or are physically exhausted, is a behavioral form of self-criticism.
Once you identify your hidden self-critical patterns, you can design targeted experiments to address and eliminate them.
