51 Thoughts I Had While Watching Episode 1 of ‘Owning Manhattan’

Given how wildly expensive most things in Manhattan are—from a bagel, right on upward—the notion of actually owning property here can seem downright absurd. But selling New York City real estate is broker Ryan Serhant’s whole deal and the subject of a brand-new Netflix series, Owning Manhattan. (Basically, think Selling Sunset, but not in Los Angeles and, tragically, with no Crishell or G Flip.) Let’s dive into Episode 1 and see what this show’s all about, shall we?

Hello, Statue of Liberty!Likely place for her to be.How did this become about death so quickly?I’m so sorry, but there’s something very evil-Lifetime-boyfriend about Ryan.I appreciate the Succession-evoking drama of the soundtrack.This isn’t the comparatively laid-back world of LA real estate, clearly!Who’s this very blond girl?Damn, they’re the number-six brokerage firm in NYC?See, I, personally, would be happy to stay at number six, but Ryan is desperate to be number one.And that’s (part of) why I don’t have a massive real estate holdings.“Plan B is bankruptcy.” Very confidence-inspiring!This other blond girl looks like Britney Spears, vaguely.It’s “Make Money Monday,” apparently.Oooooh, Central Park Tower trophy penthouse!Unfortunately, I do want to know what the “world’s most expensive penthouse” looks like.It can’t possibly be decorated well, can it?Okay, as I predicted, it’s giving “Roy family” inside, which is certainly nice decor…of a sort.Seven bedrooms in New York City? I’m going to vomit.Can you imagine how terrifying that incredibly high view of the park would be after a glass of wine?I, TBH, can’t think of anything less cool than “Ten Cubed,” this penthouse’s private top-floor club.This is “luxury scale,” apparently.There are only 3,000 billionaires in the world that can afford this apartment?This other realtor, Kayla, seems a lot more normal (for someone selling a bajillion-zillion-dollar department).Obsessed with the “girlies and gays only” vibe of this real estate firm.I’m already a fan of Chloe.Sorry, why is she…singing and dancing? Is this part of her real-estate job?This “orange suit and tiny puffy dog on a leash” ensemble is so luxury-real-estate-agent-coded.Bro, this Carrara marble kitchen (in New York, might I remind you again) is making me want to do class war.“People who can afford an apartment like this are not necessarily on YouTube.” Okay, classism!Do I even want to know how much this Bed-Stuy property is going to be?Damn, I’d go to an open house for some free peach-mango juice.Obsessed with Tricia, the “honorary mayor of Brooklyn.”Wait, she owns Polish Bar? I’ve definitely gotten a stoned manicure there! I’m in the (televised) presence of celebrity!“What are you doing if you don’t have a camel in your bedroom?” Wise words.Seven bathrooms? Throwing up again, BRB.I do not envy this real-estate girlie Savannah for having to run between her sugar-waxing appointment and showing her friend an apartment in “West Village.”I love that you basically need to spend $8K a month to get a rental with your own washer-dryer in New York City.Porcelain radiant heated floors???????The Upper West Side! My childhood stomping grounds!I’m sure whatever’s going on there won’t bum me out at all.I would really like to see Bill Hader play Ryan.“A $20 million deal is not the same as a $2 million deal.” More wisdom!Ooh, realtor contest!Having intrusive thoughts about Jess’s pearl headband.God, hearing a three-family house in Bed-Stuy go for $3.6 million doesn’t necessarily feel great from a gentrification perspective.Now, why on earth is Ryan meeting someone on top of the Empire State Building? Okay, Nora Ephron!Oh, Lord, it’s to film something for his “in-house production studio.”Oh, nooooo, Kayla didn’t sell the super-expensive penthouse.Maybe the would-be purchasers decided to donate all that money to charity instead? (LOL.)I know the music is supposed to make me feel the pathos of this sale not going through, but…I don’t care.Owning Manhattan, you’re deranged and I love you.