Kindness Is Cooler Than Coolness—It Just Needs an Edge

The moment the 14-year-olds arrived on the first day of sleepaway camp, the subdivisions were clear. At the highest level, the kids fell into one of three groups: cool, under-the-radar, and bullied, each clearly communicating their status with their presence.

In addition to myself and another counselor, our bunk had three cool, four under-the-radar, and three bullied kids. The bullying was mostly verbal, but occasionally crossed over into physical, coming from both cool and under-the-radar kids. It was gut-wrenching.

I sat down with the three cool kids. “Imagine a movie where a kid is getting bullied, and then some other kid steps up to protect him. Which of those three characters do you want to be?” Unanimous.

“Great, because I really need your help. My job is to protect the three kids in our cabin who get bullied. Can you please help me look out for them? Make sure the other kids don’t pick on them, especially from the other bunks? I don’t know how I can do this without your help. Can I count on you?”

Instantaneous transformation. The framing may have enticed them, but the kindness locked it in. They were even cooler as protectors and they felt great about themselves. At night, they used to talk about girls or what they accomplished in sports. Now, they were bragging about how they looked out for other kids.

It spread beyond the bunk; for that summer, at least, status was driven by kindness. The most confident kids were still the most popular, but now they were actually popular; they used to be feared. Everyone liked it a lot better.

All three bullied kids’ parents sent letters about how important that summer had been developmentally for them. Kindness rules.

Who Wants to Be Happy and Productive, Anyway?

It’s a little weird that kindness needs a cheerleader. Being kind makes us happy. Even seeing other people be kind makes us happy, and kinder ourselves.

(Apparently, many are searching for happiness. X marks the spot, people.)

But that’s happiness at an individual level. How about performance at an organizational one?

The overwhelming majority of studies find that organizations and leaders who demonstrate prosocial behaviors consistently and meaningfully outperform those who don’t.

That explains why kindness ought to be the modus operandi of most organizations. Except it very clearly isn’t. Why not?

Our Amazing, Ridiculous Brains

The answer has to do with stereotypes.

Stereotypes are funny things. There’s far too much information in the world for our brains to process; stereotypes are mental shortcuts that allow us to cope with our limitations. And they actually work well most of the time. But when they don’t, they make us see things that aren’t there.

Things like, “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.”

Here are some behaviors that convey weakness.

Capitulation (“Do whatever you want, regardless”)
Enablement (“I’ll help, regardless”)
Naiveté (“I trust you, regardless”)
Appeasement (“I’ll go along, regardless”)
Avoidance (“I won’t interfere, regardless”)

Kindness is none of those things, and so kindness is never confused with weakness. The only source of that idea is bad writing. (“Don’t mistake my tolerance for weakness” would be good writing.)

Kindness is a warrior. It inspires. It conveys strength. That is not an opinion—that is the data.

The problem is that we mislabel it. When people help others due to fear, manipulation, or wishful thinking, we correctly interpret weakness, but incorrectly call it kindness. And that has major implications.

In the chase for status, anything that conveys weakness is a huge liability. By misunderstanding it, people feel incentivized not to be kind in order to advance their careers. It’s a particularly ironic choice, given that people who are kind achieve status without seeking it.

When we see people help others due to generosity, benevolence, or empathy, we always perceive strength, and always become inspired to be kinder ourselves. That’s not rainbows and unicorns—that’s lab coats and microscopes.

If kindness makes us happier individually and better organizationally, then how are we going to overcome this stupid stereotype getting in our way?

Make It Real…Cool

Kindness is, scientifically speaking, contagious. When people witness kindness, we become kinder ourselves. The more influential and visible the person displaying kindness, the stronger the effect. Recruiting the cool kids at summer camp is why that plan worked.

Now, the “cool kids” have been replaced by “top performers,” “senior managers,” and “charismatic colleagues.”

If we want to introduce kindness as a cultural expectation, it’s going to have to come from them. And asking them to be nicer is not going to cut it.

We have to be extremely intentional in demonstrating kindness from top performers and senior management. Having them lead group philanthropy projects and events.

Having them share stories with vulnerability to help others. Having them devote time to connecting and helping people in the organization outside of work. Sharing themselves in ways that benefit others and not themselves.

Appealing to our high-visibility people, and developing concrete proposals for them, will require contextual creativity. Some will be excited to participate because they are excited by the meaning of it; others will require incentives. (It’s worth giving them what they want to get started—eventually kindness will kick in and handle the motivation from there.) Some will be excited to come up with their own plans; others will want to be told precisely what to do and when to do it.

Getting started is all that matters. So long as we ensure that people are aware of credible kindness from our most visible people, it will spread on its own, eventually transforming productivity and retention.

How sweet is that? Let us count the ways.