Do Man Utd have an ‘agreement’ with Viktor Gyokeres?

First there’s an ‘astonishingly brutal put-down’ but then we move on to Man Utd matters of Marcus Rashford, Viktor Gyokeres and Hugo Ekitike…

The Astonishing Brutalist

The Premier League is returning on Tuesday night (whoop-de-f***ing-do) so what’s the biggest story in football – according to a leading UK website – on Tuesday morning?

‘Revealed: Kyle Walker’s astonishingly brutal seven-word ‘Messi’ put-down to Chelsea flop team-mate Joao Felix on exit from AC Milan’s dressing room’

Oh MailOnline, you really are spoiling is with your football insight. And counting. Except the counting has gone slightly awry as Kyle Walker actually quite clearly said: “Just pass the ball, we are not Messi; no-one here is Messi.”

That’s 12 words. And it’s really not ‘astonishingly brutal’ unless you think that pointing out that a group of footballers who are not Messi are not actually Messi is ‘astonishingly brutal’.

It’s also not ‘a heated exchange’ because Joao Felix says absolutely f*** all in reply.

Surprisingly, the Mirror go even further, describing Walker’s words as a ‘brutal jibe’. Never been married, guys?

Take a hint

Counting words is a very strong vibe in the modern media and the Mirror think they have spotted something in Monday’s Ruben Amorim press conference: ‘Ruben Amorim’s three-word comment as Man Utd boss drops new Marcus Rashford hint.’

Does it matter that Amorim actually said 66 words about Rashford when directly asked for roughly the 427th time? Apparently not, because the Mirror have spotted ‘another swipe’. Is that worse than a ‘jibe’? Is there a scale we can consult?

Amorim said that “everybody knows the talent” of Rashford and described him as a “top player”, none of which sounds like a ‘swipe’. But adding the words – three words, natch – “if he wants”, turns a series of anodyne comments into a ‘swipe’.

As for the ‘new Marcus Rashford hint’…frankly, f*** knows.

But we do get the impression elsewhere on the Mirror – ‘Antony drops clearest hint yet that he has already made decision on Man Utd return’, ‘Real Madrid drop huge hint on Trent Alexander-Arnold transfer but need two things to happen’, ‘Ruben Amorim’s stance on Andre Onana after Man Utd star drops transfer hint’ – that this is a mighty powerful word in the giddy world of clickbait.

As for a hint of a swipe…ker-f***ing-ching.

Bollocks – bridge – bollocks

Talk of Marcus Rashford takes us to the Manchester Evening News and this Frankenstein’s monster of a headline:

‘Manchester United Viktor Gyokeres transfer ‘agreement’ emerges as Marcus Rashford warning sent’

Obviously you are supposed to think that a) a transfer ‘agreement’ has been reached with Viktor Gyokeres, b) somebody has sent a Marcus Rashford warning and c) those two things are somehow linked.

Let’s deal with c) first; of course they’re not. That ‘as’ is just there as a little bridge between shite and shite.

As for b), the ‘Marcus Rashford warning’ is from Aston Villa winger Jacob Ramsey, who said when asked about Rashford’s form: “He’ll be buzzing and hopefully he can keep scoring.”

Quite the ‘warning’. And absolutely relevant to Manchester United fans.

So that leaves us with a), the Viktor Gyokeres transfer ‘agreement’. The first thing to note is that the MEN‘s SSCAW (Senior Sport Central Audience Writer) is quoting absolutely nobody with those quote marks.

The story’s source is transfer journalist Sacha Tavolieri, and what he actually writes on Sky Sports Switzerland is this: ‘Although several sources confirm that Gyökeres had given his word to Rúben Amorim to join him at Manchester United this summer, the complex sporting situation of the Red Devils could call into question this friendship pact between the Swede and the Portuguese.’

So two friends agreed that they would quite like to work together at Manchester United, presumably before both realised Ruben Amorim was joining an absolute sh*tshow of a club with no money. Indeed, the club are now said to be as ‘tepid’ as Gyokeres on the deal.

That very clearly does not constitute an ‘agreement’, especially when the source for this so-called ‘agreement’ has described Gyokeres as Arsenal’s ‘Plan A’.

But frankly, nobody at the MEN cares that it’s a right load of old hairy bollocks; the question is only whether we left-clicked on those old hairy bollocks. And we did. So now we need to wash our hands.

This means MORE

Arsenal are being strongly linked with Viktor Gyokeres, but according to The Sun, he is one of five striker targets for the Gunners.

‘Arsenal’s five-man striker shortlist including star who could cost MORE than Isak as Arteta vows ‘big’ transfer window’

Amusingly, they also write that ‘Arsenal have the option of going for a Prem proven ace or gambling overseas’ because in the sweet parochial world of The Sun, all those who come from Abroad are a ‘gamble’.

Anyway, we were intrigued by the idea of Arsenal targeting a striker who could cost MORE than Isak. Are they setting their sights on Erling Haaland? Seems bold.

The Sun go through the options…

‘Splash £100million or more for Newcastle star Alexander Isak, 25?’

Best of luck getting Newcastle United to sell you Isak for £100m, fellas. Surely no Arsenal target will cost more?

‘Even more for 22-year-old Hugo Ekitike of Eintracht Frankfurt?’

Ha. Is that it? Is the logic purely that Ekitike is younger so he will obviously cost more? Is that how it works?

Because there is absolutely nothing else to suggest that 13-goal Bundesliga striker Ekitike will cost more than £100m. And oddly enough, we trust Sky Germany rather more than The Sun on matters of these overseas gambles…

🚨🆕 Eintracht Frankfurt are aware that Manchester United are seriously considering Hugo #Ekitike as a potential transfer target for the upcoming summer. #MUFC

Arsenal (Isak remains the No. 1 target), Liverpool, and Juventus have also registered their interest. #LFC

Eintracht… pic.twitter.com/IEVP6lWegl

— Florian Plettenberg (@Plettigoal) March 28, 2025