The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Least of Lisa
The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Least of Lisa
By
Brian Moylan,
who writes Vulture’s Housewives Institute Bulletin
Unfriend or Unfollow
Season 7
Episode 11
Editorâs Rating
3 stars
Lisa manages to be so incredibly wrong that it forces Larsa to be more right than she has a right to be.
Photo: Bravo
When Lisa and Larsa started fighting this episode, I thought, Here they go again, two twins trying to consume each other in the womb. However, as the episode progressed and the fight intensified, it evolved into something else. I canât believe Iâm about to say this, but Lisa is totally wrong and Larsa is rrrrrr ⊠Larsa is rrrrrriiiiggg⊠Larsa is ⊠Sorry I canât say it. But Larsa is not wrong.
It all starts as Lisa tries to explain her lateness on this trip, which she alluded to in the last episode. She says, âI had legal matters that needed my presence, number one,â Lisa tells Larsa and Stephanie. Larsa reminds her that she was in St. Barthâs. Lisa says she was there with her lawyers because she and Jody made a commitment to rent a $100,000 villa and they âkeep their commitments.â Okay, but how did that make her miss her flight? Lisa claims she had to sign things and make phone calls. Okay, but again, how did this cause you to miss your flight? Sure, court things could pop up at the last moment, but are they so urgent that they would derail her whole travel plan? Wouldnât she have had a week, a day, or an hour?
Part of the issue that the women had with Lisa being late wasnât that she was late; it was that she never informed them of her whereabouts or updated them. How, at any point, did these last-minute legal issues prevent her from sending a text? Iâm going to time myself typing an apology text right now. Ready ⊠Go: âHey, Julia. So sorry, but some legal shit came up at the last minute. (Fucking Lenny. Argh!) Iâm trying to get it dealt with and make the flight on time, but thereâs a possibility I may be late. If I donât make it, leave without me, and Iâll get the next flight there. Again, so sorry.â And ⊠Time! 52.16 seconds. Thatâs how long it took. Not even a minute. Iâm sorry, but no matter what happened, you canât take 52.16 seconds out of your day to send a courtesy email to your friends. This whole thing is absolute bullshit.
After this, the ladies break up into two groups: Marysol escorts Larsa, Stephanie, Lisa, and Adriana, while Julia takes Guerdy, Alexia, and Kiki. Each group goes to pick out their flamenco dresses to wear for a special surprise for Stephanie on her birthday. Are they going to buy a Birkin and set it on fire like Clint Eastwoodâs daughter did? I sure hope so. Probably not, though. Boring.
While theyâre at a food market, Kiki opens up about whatâs been bugging her the whole trip. She says she helped five of her cousins come over from Haiti after the Biden administration gave Haitians âtemporary protected statusâ after gangs essentially took over the capital. As no good deed goes unpunished, Kiki started getting death threats from her family members that she couldnât help, wanting the same chance at the American dream that she had given others. She says that she had to move out of her house on short notice because of this. While her father stopped most of the bad behavior, sheâs still shaken up.
I want nothing but the best for our queen Kiki, who never has a bad thing to say, who gives us everything whenever sheâs on camera, and who struggles hard for herself and her family. Of all the people on Bravo, there is not a negative thing you can say about Kiki unless you hate goodness, light, and Burger King. Since this episode was shot, the Trump administration has ended that temporary protected status and will likely attempt to deport Kikiâs family, adding to her already considerable headaches. Kiki doesnât deserve this! Heck, Haitians donât deserve this.
What does our Kiki have to do for the rest of the day? Endure an afternoon of âspiritual flamencoâ and fighting about whether or not Lisa should unfollow Marcus Jordan on Instagram. Of all the stupid fights that we have seen on these stupid shows during our stupid days, this one is by far the most ridiculous. This is so dumb itâs like taking your SATs on an edible, three bumps of K, and the worldâs last remaining Four Loko. Larsa asked Lisa to unfollow Marcus and stop talking to him a few episodes ago, and she still hasnât done it.
Larsa finally asks her if sheâs done it point-blank, and Lisa just says, âNo.â Not, âOh, sorry. I forgot. Iâll do it now.â Not, âI think so, but I donât remember. You know Iâm bad at that.â Not, âOh, girl, I have to check, but I think maybe?â Just a flat-out no without any explanation. She was not afraid of it and didnât intend to do it. Her defense is that her and Larsaâs relationship deteriorated, so she didnât want to do it anymore. The whole reason their relationship was falling apart was that she was following Marcus. If she wants the relationship to repair itself, maybe, I donât know, just unfollow him.
I donât understand what Lisa is gaining from following him. She says she doesnât like to be told what to do. Fair. Who does? But everyone points out that Larsa is asking her to do it for their friendship. Also, if someone needs to be told what to do to do the right thing, then order them around like you just entered the Dominatrix of the Year award and they have a ball gag in their mouth and a puppy tail plug where the sun doesnât shine. In her confessional, however, Lisa says she wonât unfollow him because heâs being a better friend to her than Larsa is. Oh, trust that is coming up at the reunion.
Larsa is seeking an explanation for why she might still be following him and suggests that Lisa must be a âgroupie.â Well, is that not the flamenco dress calling the chicken pox patient spotted? (Thatâs an idiom, right?) Lisa points out that Larsa is only ever with athletes, rappers, or Kardashians. Okay, who wrote that line, because it wasnât Lisa. While weâre on the subject, who wrote the line Larsa delivered earlier in the episode when Lisa brings up her divorce attorneys in St. Barths and Larsa said, âWhatâs next? Doing your taxes in Bali?â Whichever producer it is should get a raise, a Pulitzer, and a sickening supply of Anastasia of Beverly Hills cosmetics.
The women all get together and do some flamenco dancing, and after that, Lisa gets on the phone to bitch to Jody about what a bad friend Larsa is. After that, Lisa, Larsa, and Cult Jam apparently started screaming at each other in the elevator about something Jody-related, which the cameras didnât pick up. (Ugh, this is Kyle and Camille in the elevator on RHOBH season one all over again!) After this, he starts sending Larsa lengthy texts that leave her unnerved.
Iâm sorry, but the vibes with Jody are off. Like shrimp at a roadside diner, there is just something I donât trust about him. Why is he texting Larsa? She uses the classic Housewives defense that I usually hate, saying that he should be texting her boyfriend or her brother, like a man canât have a conversation with a woman when they have a conflict. The difference here is that Larsa doesnât have beef with Jody; she has beef with Lisa that he is sticking his nose in. In the immortal words of every single woman to mutter a tagline on even one season of a Bravo show, stay out of womenâs business. This does not concern Jody at all.
When the women in their various and sundried red dresses (shout out to Marysol Patten for complimenting Adrianaâs by saying, âChic câest la vie.â), there is another Lisa bombshell at dinner. Apparently, she needs to have a notarized signature on a court document within an hour, or else sheâll have to leave the trip early and face a trial regarding her custody, which will cost her a lot of money. I am not a lawyer or even a person who has been divorced. I have only been to court once, and that was jury duty in Manhattan. Still, this seems crazy to me. I donât doubt that Lisa has legal stuff going on, but how is it always so urgent? How did it make her late for the plane? How is it that she only has an afternoon to get her documents together? Courts move more slowly than a Mormon on a first date. Either this is a reflection of how Lisa canât handle anything in her life and is an absolute wreck or she has terrible lawyers who are doing her wrong. Maybe a combination? I donât know.
This is the final straw for Larsa, who doesnât want to sit through another dinner with Lisa making it all about herself. So what is Larsaâs problem with Lisa? She gives us such a succinct and opinionated recap that I fear she is about to put me out of a job. âShe comes in a whole day late, and she doesnât apologize to Julia for her behavior. I couldnât even ask her about the Marcus thing, and she blows that up. She plays the victim every day. She says, âI canât even tell you what Larsaâs done?â What have I done? Say it. Say it. I just want to remove myself from this toxic situation. I want to get off the ride.â
Larsa then storms out of dinner, saying she wants to go back to the hotel, and Lisa falls back on the one thing she has, claiming that she canât handle it and crying. âIâm not equipped for this right now,â she tells us. When the other women tell her about Jodyâs texts to Larsa, she tearfully says, âI donât know. How am I supposed to know?â Lisa doesnât think sheâs supposed to know anything, such as what time to show up, when to file a document, or how to pull out of a $100,000 villa. She just pleads ignorance; she canât do anything, itâs not her fault.
This, I think, is the womenâs real problem with Lisa. Larsa points out that every woman there has had a problem with her. She is always late, she doesnât call back, she doesnât text back, she doesnât take accountability. Itâs not just that Lisa is a repeat offender, she doesnât offer anyone recourse for their grievances. If they bring it up, she just breaks down or refuses to engage. She wonât take criticism and wonât let her friends work with her, so that she can be a better friend. She just cries and cries, hoping that someone will take pity on her, hoping that some man with big eyes and extensive A/C will swoop out of the sky and make it happen. Iâm sorry, but that man isnât coming, and if Lisa isnât willing to stand up for herself, listen to what other people are saying about her, and show up on motherfucking time for once in her motherfucking life, then she deserves all the hatred that Larsa is heaping on her.
The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Least of Lisa
