Colbert Fears Swifties After Seeing the Taylor Swift Super Bowl Lucky Numbers?

January 29, 2024 @ 9:47 PM

Stephen Colbert was suitably freaked out during his monologue on Monday’s “The Late Show” after explaining to his audience what how Taylor Swift’s most dedicated fans have uncovered a lot of astonishing numerical coincidences about the upcoming NFL Super Bowl that related directly to the singer herself.

So much so that once he finished, he declared their findings mean “whatever the Swifties think it means.” Because he doesn’t want to make them angry.

During his monologue, the CBS host got there by first talking about the Super Bowl itself, which as Colbert noted has made right wing pundits lose their minds. Swift is dating Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, and since conservatives already hate Taylor Swift, they now hate Kelce too. And after the Chiefs beat the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday to advance to the Super Bowl, the mainstream of conservative thought online became obsessed with weird conspiracy theories.

“The Taylor Swift Super Bowl isn’t making everyone happy, because right wing dinguses like Vivek Ramaswamy are claiming this whole thing is a conspiracy, suggesting that the Super Bowl will be rigged for the Chiefs to set the stage for Taylor Swift’s Biden endorsement,” Colbert explained as he put on sunglasses to imitate President Joe Biden.

“That’s wack Jack, come on. I’m not joking. I’m serious. That’s never gonna happen. Taytay wouldn’t even get the good tickets for the heiress tour,” Colbert-as-Biden joked.

“The Swifties have their own conspiracy theories, because some of the Swifties out there pointed out some suspicious coincidences surrounding Taylor’s favorite number, 13,” Colbert said. “Follow me down the number hole. This is Super Bowl 58 and five plus eight is 13. If Taylor goes it would be her 13th time attending a chiefs game. The date of the Super Bowl is 211 Two plus 11 is 13. If she flies to Vegas from Tokyo, the flight will be roughly 13 hours and the chiefs are playing the 49ers. Four plus nine is 13.”

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Anyone else have chills? This can only mean one thing,” Colbert continued. “Whatever the Swifties say it means. I don’t want them mad at me.”