England goal led to one of the biggest failed celebrations ever

A botched Arjen Robben knee slide, some Dortmund dancing and Michy Batshuayi smashing the ball into his own face are among the strangest goal celebrations.

Tomislev Bosec

The Croatian scores a rather nice goal and runs to the fans to celebrate it, leaps over the hoardings and jumps up onto the big concrete stand where a fan has left his seat. Expecting a warm embrace, instead the fan gives him a big left-hander on the head and begins to beat him. The shocked player leaps down and the man is restrained. Just goes to show, you shouldn’t take fans for granted – some of them may hurt you.

Francesco Caputo

The big Italian scores a goal, tapping in from close range. Well done, Franny. He peels away in the traditional manner. A teammate approaches to join in the joy and Caputo, not breaking stride, absolutely smashes him in what a doctor would call his mush. What’s more, the poor bloke is holding his face in pain but Caputo continues his run and completely ignores the man he’s accidentally hit in the face.

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Benjamin Kololli

The goal goes in from a penalty, in one of those stadiums where the stand behind the goal is up on a concrete concourse. Joy all around. Kololli runs in the fans’ direction, hops over the advertising board and then, in an attempt to get to his supporters, seems not to see a big trench in front of him and drops into it, promptly disappearing from view of his pursuing teammates. He’s hauled from his pit and he emerges still celebrating with all his limbs intact.

Kai Kamara

He’s played a lot in America and also Norwich and Middlesbrough. He went through a strange phase where he celebrated a goal by what can only be described as dry humping thin air in a ‘look at me, I know how to have sex’ move that inadvertently makes you feel he absolutely doesn’t. One brave ref booked him, presumably for simulation.

Adi Rocha

If you had just scored a goal, how would you celebrate? I bet it would not be by wielding a chainsaw. But that’s just what this Brazilian did. He only played in some obscure European leagues, ones with chainsaws and big logs available for post-goal celebrations presumably. The question is, why is there a chainsaw just lying there behind the goal? For cutting through defences?

Michy Batshuayi

Adnan Januzaj scores a wonderful curling goal against England at the 2018 World Cup. To celebrate, Michy, like many before him, collects the ball from the net and kicks it up hard, only to belt it against the post. It rebounds off the post back into his face. Ouch. He’s not expecting this and it clearly really hurts him. He’s holding his face for some time, but no-one takes any notice.

Dortmund players

This extremely lame mass ‘dance move’ could apply to many teams. This one involves several players doing not much but thinking moving your legs to an imaginary rhythm is absolutely hilarious and everyone seems thoroughly entertained even though no-one else is the slightest bit amused. Why do footballers think doing some little dance or arm movement for five seconds is so damn hilarious? They clearly do it for themselves because plenty did some sort of idiot move when fans were not even allowed in.

Kennedy Bakircioglu

The Swede scores a superb free-kick from 35 yards. He takes off in celebration and runs in front of his supporters, one of whom throws him what looks like a bottle of water. He catches it and proceeds to drink from it, which seems a potentially dangerous move, then throws it back into the crowd. If you did that in Scotland, it would be an ‘alternative’ water.

Arjen Robben

Obviously he used to run like he was holding a handbag but he’s here because of the time he scored a goal, ran away with the intention of sliding on his knees, went to start sliding but didn’t slide at all, juddering to a halt, digging his knees into the pitch and falling over, head first, like going over a bike’s handlebars when you break hard. Probably put him out for months, given he was made of shortcrust pastry.

Jan van den Bergh

The Dutchman scored a goal with a shot from 40 yards. An amazing strike that deserved an amazing celebration. What did we get? The worm. Yes, the worm. Jan is lying on his body wriggling along very, very slowly. It seems the least appropriate celebration to mark a great strike. Worse still, he had obviously planned it.

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