Liverpool have ‘secret weapon’ as Anthony Gordon transfer becomes ‘desperate’

Nobody at the Reach titles is yet ready to throw in the towel and accept the idea of Anthony Gordon joining Liverpool is dead, while the Express accidentally make it look like Man United are about to complete a £52m signing.

Just another standard dose of transfer-window Mediawatch, then.

Desperate times

The actually very possibly real signing of Martin Zubimendi clearly isn’t cutting it in tabloidland, where pretending Anthony Gordon is imminently on his way to Liverpool is obviously still the tale driving the clicks.

While it’s going to take something truly special to top yesterday’s risible ‘one word’ b*llocks, let it never ever be said that the Reach outlets aren’t ready and willing to give it a crack.

So to the Mirror we go, and this headline…

Anthony Gordon to Liverpool transfer depends on one factor with Newcastle ‘desperate’

Sounds serious if Newcastle are desperate.

Newcastle winger Anthony Gordon’s prospective move to his boyhood Liverpool could yet be revived, according to a club legend.

Ah. So we can all probably stop reading at this point in terms of actual meaningful news content in this story, ‘club legend’ being long-accepted tabloidese shorthand for ‘former player giving opinions for money to some obscure bookmaker you’ve never heard of’ rather than anyone with any knowledge of the situation providing actual information.

But Mediawatch has a job to do, so let’s uncover the full stench of the sh*te here.

First of all, Michael Owen is the ‘club legend’. Fair enough – we’ve seen that title bestowed on far less deserving candidates before. Although interestingly they don’t state at which of the two clubs involved here he might be worthy of such status.

Anyway. What’s he said, then?

‘I can’t imagine, unless Newcastle are suffering with the money side of things, then I can’t imagine they’ll want to get rid of one of their most exciting young players.’

So if Newcastle are skint, then a deal could be revived. Great. Cheers. But we thought Newcastle were ‘desperate’? That means this could actually be a goer, no?

‘He’s done really well at Newcastle since he’s been there, so I’m sure Eddie Howe is desperate to keep him.’

You really do almost have to admire it. Owen himself, who remember is apparently talking up the chance of this move being revived, according to the Mirror, even then adds: ‘I’m not sure how credible that story can be.’

There certainly does seem to be plenty of desperation here, but it’s not from Newcastle. Or Liverpool. Or even Michael Owen.

24 carrot

And that desperation can be found everywhere you look. No matter that Newcastle were only considering the sale of Gordon when they had PSR concerns to navigate, which they insist have now been dealt with.

Never mind that nobody with actual connections to either club now expects a deal to go through. Clicks are clicks, and this nonsense is obviously delivering them.

The Express eschew the option of wildly misrepresenting Michael Owen’s personal opinion and that pretending it is actual news, opting instead for another classic: shirt numbers.

The problem is that these tales normally revolve around ‘dream shirt numbers’ – we’ve all got one, haven’t we? – and such a number isn’t actually available at Liverpool, even if we accept that something so mind-numbingly trivial genuinely could impact the likelihood of a £75million deal between two huge football clubs.

But to their great credit the Express aren’t going to let any of that stop them.

Liverpool shirt number that appeals to Anthony Gordon available amid transfer links

You almost feel sorry for them here. The sorrow the writer must have felt when reluctantly concluding that not even at the Express could they in all good conscience describe 24 as Gordon’s ‘dream shirt number’. Utterly harrowing.

But don’t feel too sorry for them, for this tiny pang of honesty was brief and soon passes.

Liverpool may have a secret weapon in their pursuit of Anthony Gordon.

It might not be a dream, but it could be a secret weapon.

It’s a tough call for both the player and the club, but Liverpool might have an ace up their sleeve: the number 24 shirt that Gordon wore at Everton for two seasons before switching to number 10, which he also donned at Newcastle last season. The number 24 shirt at Liverpool is currently vacant and hasn’t been worn since 2021.

An ace up their sleeve! A shirt number available because nobody much wants it! A number Gordon himself wore for a bit and then changed as soon as a better one became available! A better number that he also took when he last moved clubs!

Sorry Newcastle fans, but time to say your goodbyes. Nothing you could offer Gordon now could ever hope to compete with the allure of Liverpool’s hallowed and vacant number 24 shirt.

This might actually be worse than the one-word transfer hint, you know.

A transfer that barely made sense even when Newcastle were in need of pre-June 30 sales and that now makes even less, a transfer that shows absolutely no sign of actually happening, for which there is no progress to report at all, but #numbers mean the barrel must be scraped and scraped again. We approach tomorrow’s updates with a dizzying combination of excitement, fear and disgust.

READ MORE: Five Liverpool fiascos that will see Arne Slot sacked on January 4th 2025

As you like it

Mediawatch grows ever more obsessed with the inexorable rise of ‘as’ to a position of absolute and total sh*thouse dominance among all the many varied and assorted weapons in the headline writer’s arsenal. We damn sure can’t resist it ourselves.

Anyway. Today’s winner comes from the Express’ transfer blog and ticks every single box

Transfer news LIVE: Man Utd signing completes medical as £52m deal ‘expected’

The prospective Manchester United signing who has completed a medical is 16-year-old striker Chido Obi Martin. The ‘£52m deal expected’ is Martin Zubimendi to Liverpool. Any possible reading of that headline in which these two entirely distinct elements appear linked is of course entirely unintentional and coincidental.

Clickbait-looking but actually entirely accurate headlines of the day

Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta ‘hires team of professional pickpockets’ and targets own players

Mikel Arteta ‘hired pickpockets’ to rob his Arsenal squad and teach them a lesson

The Daily Express and Daily Star do the necessary with a wild titbit from The Athletic about the Arsenal boss’ latest wheeze.