My Parents See Me as an ATM—but This Time I Refuse to Pay

Siblings can be the best of friends or the worst of enemies. Sometimes the differences are caused by how the family treats each individual. Other times, they might just have a strained relationship. For Nora, it was a bit of both.

One of our readers, Nora, reached out.

Dear Bright Side,

My younger brother has always been spoiled. I used to think it was just normal because he was the new baby in the family. But the older I got, the more I realized that there was more to it than just that. It was favoritism.

And as a working adult, things became worse than ever before. I’m married with two children, but my parents never pitched in for my wedding or when I needed help with the kids. My brother on the other hand, is a whole different story.

When he turned 18 my parents begged me to buy him a car because they couldn’t afford it, I agreed. When he lost his job and couldn’t afford his rent, they asked if he could move in with me, I agreed. I even went as far as to give him money when he ran short every month.

Then two years ago he got married, and my parents asked if I could pay their share of the wedding because they couldn’t afford it, but they wanted him to have the big day he was looking forward to. I said no. I had just had my second child and couldn’t afford extra expenses.

Since then, things have been tense. They always ask, and I always weigh the value before I agree to or deny the request. I’ve helped him a few times, but not as often as I used to. And every time I deny the request, my parents make me out to be such a terrible sister.

Things hit a new low last week. My parents called and asked if I could watch my brother’s baby while he went on a business trip. I asked them why his wife couldn’t do it and was told that she wanted to take the opportunity to go visit her family. I said no.

I couldn’t take care of his baby because his wife wanted a holiday. There were things I planned with my own children, and I couldn’t afford to add another child to the plans. Plus, my brother never paid me for looking after his child so I couldn’t ask him to cover those expenses either.

I told my mother that if my SIL wanted to leave the baby behind, she would have to contribute financially or hire a sitter. Then my mother said she would cover the cost for them. Once again, I refused.

I told her that my brother had to learn some responsibility and find a way to get through life without the help of his family. My mother started crying and tried everything to make me change my mind. It didn’t work. A couple of days after that, my SIL called.

She accused me of trying to ruin my brother’s trip and tearing our family apart because I’m “too greedy” to take care of my nephew. She said my brother would need to cancel and would probably lose his job because of it. I told her that she needed to step up and be a better wife and mother.

Now none of them are speaking to me. My husband thinks I might’ve gone too far and that I should reconsider our plans to take the baby in.

So Bright Side, was it wrong of me to force my family to stop treating me like an ATM?

Regards,
Nora S.

Thank you for reaching out to us, Nora. We understand how difficult this situation can be so we’ve put together a few tips that might help.

Put a price tag on every favor.

Instead of flat-out saying no or endlessly justifying yourself, flip the script. If they want you to babysit, cover rent, or pay for something, present them with the realistic cost. For example: “Babysitting for a week would mean extra groceries, transport, and rearranging my kids’ activities. That comes to about $400. If you can cover that, I’ll consider it.” This makes them confront the financial and emotional value of what they’re asking instead of treating you like a free service.

Create a “Family IOU Ledger.”

Start documenting every time you’ve helped your brother and parents. Don’t weaponize it in arguments; instead, keep it factual. The next time they accuse you of being “greedy” or “selfish,” calmly show them the running total of how much you’ve already given. Seeing the sheer volume on paper can be a powerful reality check and shifts the narrative away from guilt-tripping.

Reframe refusals into growth opportunities.

Instead of positioning yourself as the obstacle, frame your refusals as teaching moments. For example: “If I step in again, he won’t learn how to manage childcare. If I say no, he has to problem-solve like every other parent.” Say this out loud to your parents or SIL, not defensively, but as if you’re rooting for him to grow. This reframes your stance from “selfish sister” to “someone who believes in his independence,” which is much harder to attack.