Raheem Sterling set for PL rivals as Real Madrid poach full-back: Reassigning the Chelsea ‘bomb squad’

Enzo Maresca “doesn’t care” about this lot, so we’ve reassigned them on the fanciful assumption that Chelsea will be able to find buyers for all of them with a little over a week left of the transfer window.

You’ll notice that we haven’t reached the “15-20” Maresca’s washed his hands of, partly because it’s pretty clear the Chelsea head coach doesn’t actually know how many Chelsea players there are, but also because some of those we assume are training way from the first team – like David Datro Fofana – are definitely staying according to reports and will presumably have to be reintegrated into Maresca’s squad, whether he wants them or not. That’ll be nice for them.

Anwyay, we reckon there are 14 players very much up for grabs and here’s where we reckon they’re going.

Djordje Petrovic: Strasbourg

Probably felt pretty good about himself at the end of last season before Chelsea signed Filip Jorgensen to make it eight goalkeepers on their books, and they want to make it nine by signing Mike Penders from Genk. Enzo Maresca doesn’t fancy him and reports suggest Chelsea are trying to palm him off on their sister club in Ligue 1.

Kepa Arrizabalaga: Al Ittihad

A Premier League move is unlikely because let’s face it, they’ve seen him play. He’s also on £150,000 per week, so the chance of him being included in a Romelu Lukaku-Victor Osimhen deal are unlikely without a hefty pay cut. Saudi Arabia it is then, and Al Ittihad are supposedly still interested after an initial offer was rejected by Chelsea. Just take what you can, lads.

Lucas Bergstrom: IFK Norrkoping

Barely got a game for the 10th best team in Sweden last season; might have more luck at the 11th.

Trevoh Chalobah: Newcastle

Didn’t even make it on to the tour of the United States despite looking typically solid having broken into the team under Mauricio Pochettino last season. We reckon he’s comfortably one of Chelsea’s four best centre-backs, but pure profit rules all and we reckon Newcastle may as well sign a guy who could be the next Marc Guehi for less than half the price than the current Marc Guehi.

Ben Chilwell: Manchester United

The Red Devils were keen last summer and they’ve now been ‘offered’ Chilwell by Chelsea.

United’s issues at left-back remain with Diogo Dalot again having to play out of position on that side in the win over Fulham. Perhaps not the best move to add another injury-prone player into the mix, but they should be able to get one of Luke Shaw, Tyrell Malacia or Chilwell on the pitch most of the time. Knowing Chilwell’s luck, Shaw won’t miss another game.

Josh Acheampong: Real Madrid

‘Enzo Maresca likes him and sees him as a big part of plans for future’ but the club’s treatment of academy stars has had a ‘profound impact’ on other youth products and ’caused ripples’ of uncertainty over their futures. No f***ing sh*t.

Real Madrid are one of two clubs who have smelt an opportunity and we have no doubt that a few million pounds of delicious pure profit would be enough to persuade the Chelsea owners to sell another piece of the club’s soul.

Alex Matos: Lens

Signed on a free transfer from Norwich but on a frankly pathetic three-year deal. Chelsea want to send him to Strasbourg, but Lens are also keen and Matos prefers the latter. The Blues aren’t going to have time to be picky.

Omari Kellyman: Leicester City

Here he is, the £19m man. Leicester could do with a bit more attacking depth and while we don’t really have any idea whether the pawn in this summer’s PSR circle jerk is good enough to be playing Premier League football, he’s probably worth a go. We are going to predict right here and now that Kellyman never plays a competitive game for Chelsea.

MORE ON CHELSEA MESS ON F365

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👉 No sympathy for Enzo Maresca; he signed up for the Chelsea threshing machine

Tino Anjorin: Wrexham

Didn’t play all that much in League One with Portsmouth last season but we’re pretty sure Wrexham would be all over the chance to sign a bona fide Champions League winner, if only for a banters Ryan Reynolds, Rob McElhenney talking heads moment on the doc.

Raheem Sterling: Aston Villa

The statement from his ‘camp’ was very odd but he’s been treated appallingly. Sterling played every pre-season game and was called an “important” player by Enzo Maresca before not being included in the squad for Manchester City, at which point the ‘clarity’ he sought came in the form of a middle finger from his manager and his squad number being given to someone else. What a horrible football club.

Juventus are keen but don’t have the cash. Saudi Arabia have the cash but Sterling isn’t keen. Aston Villa have some cash, are keen and Sterling wants to stay in the Premier League.

READ MORE: Sterling swapping treble-chasing Man City for Chelsea must rank among worst decisions ever

Angelo: Besiktas

Signed for £13m from Santos last summer, Angelo was on loan at Strasbourg last term and Chelsea have decided he’s not for them despite never playing a single minute for the club. Besiktas are interested in a loan move but the Blues want to sell the Brazilian, and can presumably only hope for significantly less than they paid. Another success story.

Romelu Lukaku: Napoli

He’s close apparently, but we’ve said that for a while. Chelsea want £36m and Napoli have so far offered around £25m.

Armando Broja: Ipswich

It’s as good as done. Not yet clear whether there’s an option or an obligation to buy at the end of his season-long loan. Chelsea supposedly wanted that mark to be set at £30m.

Deivid Washington: Galatasaray

A total of 25 minutes across three games for Chelsea last season, they’ve tried to get Strasbourg to take him in each of the three transfer windows since he joined and the fact they can’t persuade themselves to sign a player doesn’t bode hugely well. We’ve picked a club out of thin air here.

MORE ON CHELSEA MESS ON F365

👉 Chelsea ‘bomb squad’, Enzo Fernandez and Joao Felix in ranking of 22 Todd Boehly mistakes

👉 Joao Felix is the most laughable of all Chelsea signings

👉 No sympathy for Enzo Maresca; he signed up for the Chelsea threshing machine