Simons, Ugarte, Olmo, among Man Utd signings based on clear current transfer trend

Manchester United have made an eye-catching start to their summer transfer business with the signings of Joshua Zirkzee and Leny Yoro.

But with plenty of reports suggesting Xavi Simons might be the next man to arrive at Old Trafford this summer it’s clear that something is going on.

And that something is that United have – for reasons known only to themselves – adopted a transfer policy that means they MUST only sign players in precise reverse alphabetical order. Zirkzee, Yoro, Xavi. It’s a clear pattern.

Based on this most rock-solid of foundations, we therefore have quite literally no choice but to predict the 23 Manchester United signings that will follow the now inevitable Xavi Simons move.

Joshua Zirkzee

United’s first signing of the summer was the Dutch striker from Bologna. He made his international debut during the Euros and was among the flurry of players introduced by both sides in the wake of Ollie Watkins’ late winner for England in the semi-final.

Leny Yoro

Nobody has ever seen him play, but he’s an enormously highly-rated young defender and his arrival at Old Trafford represents a significant coup for the Ratcliffe regime given a significant and long-standing interest from Real Madrid. Also the signing that truly tipped everyone off to United’s bizarre alphabet-based transfer policy.

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Xavi Simons

United are having to cheat a bit here with their pursuit of another Dutch player, who scored against England in the Euros and is now back at PSG after a year on loan at Leipzig; but we’ll allow it.

What we will not allow to grow unchecked is the talk that began during the Euros that a player born in 2003 was named after the Barcelona Xavi, a player who at that time had one La Liga title to his name from a season in which he made 17 appearances.

Nico Williams

Not particularly seen United linked more than anyone else, but being linked with Williams is now mandatory for pretty much everyone. And let’s face it, United are partial to a tricky winger, and Williams is also better than any of their current ones.

Vanderson

“It’s great to hear Barcelona and United ‘love’ you. It’s fantastic to know your name is being mentioned by the big clubs. But now I’m focused only on Monaco,” was the Brazilian defender’s absolutely textbook response to links last year, simultaneously playing those reports up and down. Just needs to bide his time until the next two transfers are ticked off. Shame he is clearly made up.

Manuel Ugarte

All signs point to this in fact being United’s third signing of the summer, but that wouldn’t do at all. We find ourselves, then, in the rare position of being enormously grateful for PSG, whose stubborn refusal to accept less than their asking price can hopefully delay things just long enough for the W and V to be ticked off.

Ivan Toney

United could still really do with a proper goalscorer up top and there aren’t many better available than no-look penalty content creator Ivan Toney, who is still widely expected to leave Brentford for someone this summer even though nothing has materialised yet.

Mohamed Simakan

Conventional wisdom has it that the arrival of Yoro might curtail any interest United might have had in the Leipzig defender, giving Liverpool and Arsenal a clearer run at a player who has also attracted reported interest from Tottenham and Newcastle.

But that conventional wisdom presupposes United aren’t making all their transfer decisions based primarily on this alphabet-based approach. In which case it certainly shouldn’t be ruled out.

Sergio Reguilon

Their last loan move for the Tottenham left-back was such a huge success it is surely inevitable they will go back for a second spin. We assume the only reason this transfer hasn’t already gone through is because of United’s resolute and determined insistence on doing everything in reverse alphabetical order with no exceptions, even for signings as crucial as this one.

Jarell Quansah

Are Liverpool about to sell one of their most promising youngsters to their hated rivals? No, they are not. But what else do you want us to do here? Perhaps a 40-year-old Ricardo Quaresma could still do a job in the the Barclays; maybe he still has unfinished business with Our League after that Chelsea loan.

Lucas Paqueta

United were all set to go toe-to-toe with City for the West Ham star, but the spot-fixing case against the Brazilian has probably scuppered that. But if we live in a world where United are only signing players in precise reverse alphabetical order then we see no reason why that can’t also be a world where the case against Paqueta is dismissed and he is thus free to follow Your Reguilons and Quansahs to Old Trafford.

Dani Olmo

We’ll have to be patient, but this actual rumour has got all sorts of lovely transfer elements. Time-sensitive release clauses. Talk of hijacking a move from rivals Manchester City. Signing a player on the back of an excellent summer tournament. Even without the alphabetical element, we’d be all over this one.

Dan Ndoye

United are desperate to sign the Switzerland international, according to his agent. So you know it must be true because what could an agent possibly have to gain from touting his player in such a way? Was named a bit in stories about the kind of ‘double raids’ that almost never actually happen because he is at Bologna, like actual United signing Zirkzee. But obviously what these transfer rumour-mongering fools didn’t consider was that Ndoye simply could not arrive at the same time as Zirkzee because N is a long way from Z in the alphabet, you idiots.

Arthur Melo

If Quaresma has unfinished business in the Premier League after a lone loan spell in the Barclays, then where does that leave Arthur Melo? Didn’t make a Premier League appearance in his year at Liverpool but remains a Juventus player and very much available if someone, anyone wants to take him off their hands. There has been some talk of Everton being up for it, which is an idea not without his charms. Whether he’s rubbish or excellent there, the outcome is funny. And that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

Matthijs de Ligt

Does the ‘de’ count, or not? For precisely two reasons, we’ve decided it doesn’t. United are known long-term admirers of the Bayern Munich defender and only have 10 more signings to make before they can at long last get their man.

Ferdi Kadioglu

Would they need him if they’ve got de Ligt? Arguably not, but we’re in far, far too deep to start being practical about this now. We’re pretty sure the Turkey international sits somewhere pretty high on United’s big list of central defenders, but the problem is that he might be even higher on Arsenal’s. And they are both significantly better than United currently, and also don’t have to do 14 transfers before it can happen. Both could be key factors in the Londoners’ favour as they try to get a deal over the line.

Frenkie de Jong

If United have long been keen on de Ligt, it’s nothing compared to how long they’ve been chasing Barcelona’s de Jong. The Spanish side really might be forced to sell this summer, while there is the banter possibility now of Man City getting involved and being a nuisance if United’s pursuit of one or the other or both the Dutchmen.