Stephen Colbert Jokes Epstein Was Either Killed by the Russian Earthquake or ‘Anyone on Ozempic’

Stephen Colbert took a look at the latest strange turn in ongoing scandals connected to Jeffrey Epstein, and in response descended into his own bizarre theory of how the billionaire sex offender actually died.

His inspiration is a new CBS report about purported “raw footage” released 3 weeks ago by the Trump administration, which claimed to be from inside Epstein’s cell prior to his 2019 death by an apparent suicide at the Metropolitan Correctional Facility in New York City.

Trump officials insisted that it proved there was nothing sinister about his death. At that time, Wired magazine identified proof that the video had in fact been doctored with at least one minute and possibly three removed from it. And now CBS News has identified “multiple inconsistencies” between the administration’s claims and the video itself, among them that the footage doesn’t actually show Epstein’s cell at all, with the outlet concluding that officials “appears to have drawn conclusions from the video that are not readily observable” from watching it.

So it is that Colbert brought this up mid-way through his Wednesday night monologue. “The Epstein story isn’t going away, no matter how much Trump talks about it. And the latest analysis turns this entire story on its head. Because remember how there’s that video from outside Epstein cell with the missing minutes in it? Well, forget that,” Colbert said.

“Because let’s take a look at a still from the tape,” he continued as said still appeared onscreen. “Which do you think is Epstein’s cell? Is it one, two or three? Have you locked in your answer? Great, you’re wrong, because Epstein’s cell isn’t even visible in the frame. It’s up a staircase behind that wall. So we’ve all been focusing on the missing minutes when, in fact, there’s a missing all of it.”

“Our friends over at CBS News put up this helpful graphic,” Colbert continued as the graphic appeared onscreen. “Epstein’s cell is the red one in the lower right there. The only camera we have is footage covering a common area and just a tiny sliver of the staircase that led to the area outside of Epstein’s cell upstairs. So it wasn’t even the whole staircase. Anyone really skinny could have slipped past that camera. Okay, just has to be a skinny person. So that narrows this lead suspect in Epstein’s death to anyone on Ozempic.”

“That’s not all, because the main entrance to this prison area is also not on camera, so an outsider can easily have entered Epstein’s cell and then erased the evidence as they left,” Colbert continued.”

Setting this all up, earlier in the monologue Colbert talked about the incredible 8.8 magnitude earthquake that struck off the coast of the Kamchatka Peninsula in Russia on Tuesday.

“Thankfully, this only resulted in a few injuries, despite the fact that it occurred along Russia’s so called mega thrust fault,” Colbert said, joking, “it’s the mega thrust fault, which is right next to hump master Canyon and the Cape of I had a big dinner. Can we just watch Gilded Age?”

“The footage is pretty intense. Check out this video of the earthquake hitting right in the middle of someone’s surgery. And if you look closely, you’ll see there, it just jumps right there. There, it skips that missing footage. That missing footage, that’s when the government sent the earthquake to kill Jeffrey Epstein,” Colbert joked, adding, “allegedly, allegedly.”

Watch the whole monologue below: