Taking Kids to the Pumpkin Patch: Stars v Reality

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Taking Kids to the Pumpkin Patch: Stars v Reality with Chrissy Teigen, Kylie Jenner, Brittany Mahomes

Kylie Jenner Courtesy of Kylie Jenner/Instagram
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… no wait, that’s Christmas. But if you’re of a spooky state of mind and have little kids, Halloween can feel even more magical and fun — and not least because you don’t have to spend as much money to make it special.

But there is one place you might find yourself handing over the dollars, or at least swishing your Apple Pay around with wild abandon: the pumpkin patch. Taking a trip to your local farm — whether it’s a real one, or a makeshift one where pumpkins, some hay bales and a bounce house occupy a parking lot for a few weeks — has become a rite of passage for families around Halloween, and a lot of that is down to celebrities.

Even before Instagram, stars, from A-list to get-out-of-my-way-list, could be spotted grinning flawlessly while aggressively making memories at pumpkin patches across the land (or just the ones near L.A). But since social media took over, this thing got huge. Your friendly local farmer (or entrepreneur cosplaying as a farmer for October) isn’t stupid: these quaint lil patches now come accessorized with all the props and backdrops a famous face or aspiring influencer needs to nail that Insta post. Sure, nature’s pretty and all, but doesn’t it look even better when it’s obscured by a giant hashtag etched onto a plastic fence in a ghoulish font?

But, other than the fact that some of these stars might be contractually obligated to look like they’re having the best day of their lives, what else is different about a celebrity trip to the pumpkin patch?

Everyone does what they’re supposed to

Nicky Hilton’s kids Courtesy of Nicky Hilton/Instagram
While you wrestle your own screaming or merely scowling kid out of the car, with them wearing a Spiderman pajama top, a tutu and odd socks, perhaps accessorized with a smattering of peanut butter, it seems that famous offspring go through some sort of styling and steam-cleaning process before they’re seen in daylight. Or maybe they were just born this way? Because somehow celeb kids show up to the patch looking perfectly calm, content and coordinated, before dutifully smiling in photographs, instead of fidgeting, crying or saying they need to go to the bathroom at the crucial moment.

They treat it like a red carpet event

Maralee Nichols Courtesy of Maralee Nichols/Instagram
What’s appropriate footwear for a farm, even a fake one? Muddy old boots? Worn-in sneakers? No — it’s heels. At least, if you’re famous, and even a pumpkin patch is your runway. It doesn’t really matter if the shoes in question are uncomfortable or impractical if you have a driver on standby to whisk you away once the photos are done, plus a housekeeper at home to dust off any stray hay, mud or pumpkin goop.

And as for makeup, you don’t need a full face and a professional blow dry just to grab Jack o’Lantern supplies with your kids, do you? Wrong again! But there are exceptions: Jennifer Garner’s wholesome approach looks much more like something the rest of Us could aspire to.

Jennifer Garner Courtesy of Jennifer Garner/Instagram
They get the best pumpkins

Olivia Culpo Courtesy Olivia Culpo Instagram
They’re big, they’re shiny, they’re orange, they were born to be photographed — and we don’t just mean the cast of Selling Sunset. We’ve never witnessed a pumpkin patch with a velvet-roped VIP area, but when we compare celeb pumpkin hauls to our own, we can come out feeling a little short-changed and suspicious. Do famous people just naturally have an eye for the perfect pumpkin? Or is Ol’ Farmer Jack discreetly reserving the best specimens for the biggest stars, leaving the rest of Us with misshapen, oozing leftovers that look like they’ve been kicked?

Busy Phillips Courtesy Busy Phillips Instagram
Anyway, it’s fine, the weirdly-shaped gourds that nobody else wants make great dinosaurs.

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The weather is always perfect

Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and their son Gunner. Courtesy Heidi Montag
OK, so this has a lot to do with geography. Many stars live in parts of the country where fall is just a more leafy-hued extension of summer, which is why their pumpkin patch trips don’t involve outerwear, ominous gray skies and a sense of urgency to get the hell out of there before the weather turns. Good for them. Dealing with unpredictable weather conditions makes the whole thing more memorable, right? And who wants to wear a crop top and shorts in October anyway?

The Mahomes family Courtesy of Instagram / Brittany Mahomes
The pumpkins come to them

Courtesy of John Legend/Instagram
Sometimes you don’t want to mingle with the masses just to keep the kids happy, in which case, you need a pumpkin guy. Chrissy Teigen clearly has a pumpkin guy. Her Halloween display last year was a sight to behold, and we have a feeling she didn’t personally carry them home with her bare hands or have to manage a small child’s expectations when they demanded 37 pumpkins and you said they could only have one.

So, if there’s a pumpkin shortage in your area, it’s because some celebrity or influencer has hauled them all to make an incredible, Instagrammable display. Don’t be bitter, just imagine the smell when those things start to go rotten and they have to find a way to get rid of them (OK, so they probably have a guy for that too).