Ten PC games I could have played, in full, during the time I spent failing to connect to Elden Ring: Nightreign on PS5

…Well not back to back, but still

Image credit: Bandai Namco

In an ultimately failed attempt at cobbling some Elden Ring: Nightreign impressions together, I spent a little over three hours of my Valentine’s Day fruitlessly trying to get a match going in the roguelike spinoff’s doomed PS5 network test. I hope said test provided FromSoft with some helpful data, considering Nightreign releases in May, though it would have been a lot easier for everyone if I could’ve just sent Hidetaka Miyazaki an email saying “Sir, your server infrastructure is made of biscuits.”

In the interests of a more productive outcome, here are some lovely/interesting/terrifying little PC games that I could have started and finished while waiting for the closed beta to sort itself out, and that you might enjoy regardless of whether you’ve just spaffed away a perfectly good afternoon.

Jazzpunk: Director’s Cut

Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Necrophone Games

One of my all-time favourites, Jazzpunk is an out-and-out comedy game (in intentionally ill-fitting 60’s spy thriller clothing) that manages to sustain its Naked Gun-level joke density all the way across its two-and-a-bit hours.

Mouthwashing

Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Critical Reflex

Ed described Mouthwashing as “compact horror”, which is apt: it has few resources with which to build up the scares, amounting to just a few corridors of stranded spaceship and its increasingly strung-out skeleton crew. Yet it expertly plays with chronology and perspective to spin a deeply unsettling sci-fi tragedy, complete with perhaps the most revolting cake-cutting scene committed to fiction.

Thirty Flights of Loving

Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Blendo Games

Like Mouthwashing, Thirty Flights of Loving tells its gone-horribly-wrong story out of order, and is almost gleeful in yanking you between relaxed flashbacks and a bloodily failed heist. At barely 15 minutes long, this is a true bite-sizer, but you’ll be chewing over the fates and motivations of your fellow crims for much, much longer.

Bernband

Image credit: Tom van den Boogaart

Practiced Bernband advocate Alice0 (RPS in peace) would haunt me to bits if this wasn’t on here. It’s a low-res walking sim that has you pottering around a bustling alien city, and is yet another excellent example of doing more with less: for all the lack of visual detail, Bernband is powerfully atmospheric, in its quiet corridors as much as its packed alien nightclubs.

Dr. Langeskov, The Tiger, and The Terribly Cursed Emerald: A Whirlwind Heist

Image credit: Crows Crows Crows

I thought about putting The Stanley Parable in this list, but you really need more than three hours to sufficiently untangle it. Instead, here’s a followup (and in many ways, a response) from the studio of Stanley co-creator William Pugh, a free mini-adventure that’s better played than described. Except I will say that it heavily features Simon Amstell spitting out gags at you. Good ones, mostly.

Exo One

Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Exbleative/Future Friends Games

Ignore Graham, Exo One’s intensely satisfying momentum-based traversal and gorgeously realised planetscapes are worth the few hours it takes to see through. Still not sure why its successor is a rally game, though.

Stray

Image credit: Annapurna Interactive

Stray remains the finest cat game in an expanding field, by virtue of its fur-smooth platforming, sumptuous world design, and the fact that the weird laser-shooting bit doesn’t actually go on for that long. Take your time for a first playthrough, though by giving it the zoomies you can blast through again in two hours or less.

Scanner Sombre

Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Introversion Software

A mercifully short bit of techno-horror that’s played entirely within the pitch-black of an underground cave, forcing the use of a visualised LiDAR scanner to map out the path ahead. Some of Scanner Sombre’s attempts at heartstring-tugging didn’t quite land for me, but its dotted aesthetic is wonderfully unique, and no amount of rainbow hues saved me from being scared to my bones at some points.

Minit

Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Devolver Digital

“Minit is a peculiar little adventure played sixty seconds at a time”, reads its Steam page. That’s a cute way of saying your little blobperson keels over at the end of every minute-long life, such imminent mortality driving you to gather tools and solve puzzles at breakneck speed before dropping dead and respawning back at home. It’s a lightly roguelite-flavoured little number that does require some patience in spite of the time pressure, but the idea is fun, and I appreciate how playful Minit can be about it – like making you sit through the slow drawl of an old codger for progression hints, watching your life tick down as he crawls towards a point.

Portal

Image credit: Rock Paper Shotgun/Valve

Ahh, you know what Portal is.