The Real Housewives of New York City Season-Premiere Recap: Poor Judgements
The Real Housewives of New York City Season-Premiere Recap: Poor Judgements
By
Brian Moylan,
who writes Vulture’s Housewives Institute Bulletin
I know I might be in the minority, but I really liked the first season of the RHONY reboot. Still, I knew that the show would really start poppinâ in season two. The women will have seen themselves on television, theyâll start to make adjustments, and then, like every other franchise, theyâll have show things to fight about. That has all come true, and the way that the women are presenting themselves in this episode seems like it might spell out what to expect from the rest of the season.
Based on the episodeâs opening moments, which were filmed five days after filming wrapped at the shoot for the opening credits, there is about to be a huge rift between Brynn and Ubah, which isnât even hinted at during the premiere. But based on the reactions we get from Erin, Jessel, Sai, and Jenna, it seems like they donât even know which side to take, like there is about to be some mutually assured destruction between the two in the final days of filming. I canât freakinâ wait.
The episode starts out going around the horn and catching up with all of the women. Brynn said, âOh, you all complained you didnât see my apartment last season; well, this season is going to open on my brand-new pad in Gramercy Park.â Itâs pretty cute and has the chicest thing that any Manhattan apartment can have: an elevator that opens directly into the apartment. I would cut off my (husbandâs) pinkie toe for an elevator that opens right into the apartment. Yeah, Brynn is trying to show off her life this time around, and itâs working.
Jessel seems to be doing just like she did last season. I was worried she would lean into the âterrible twos,â as I like to call them, and start playing into what fans responded to last time, branding everything up-and-coming and trying to make reality moments. Instead, sheâs taking a subway ride with her husband, Pavit, to go to some nasty-looking Chinese joint that probably has the best bao buns outside of Shanghai. Jessel says sheâs spending $900 a month on Ubers and never taking the subway. How does this lady get anywhere? Do you know how long an Uber in Manhattan takes? Itâs not even the waste of money that galls me, but the waste of time. Iâm sorry, but the subway is always the easiest way to get somewhere, and pretending like youâre above it is about as cute as Pavit saying he doesnât want the next BeyoncĂ©; he wants the next Elon Musk. That man better be joking, or I swear I will go to Vietnam and back to beat his ass.
Jenna goes through all of the shoes in her closet and tries to decide what to get rid of. Sheâs with Nancy, her girlfriendâs mother, who she has just met for the first time. Okay, Iâm a little bit confused here. Jenna Lyons said very publicly that we wonât see her girlfriend on the show, but here she is showing her mother-in-law the first time she ever met her? What exactly are the rules here, what are the boundaries? I donât seem to get it, and I donât think that Jenna does either.
In the scene we also meet Racquel, the newest Housewife, who is an art advisor, model, and all-around cool lady. Much like Jenna, she also divorced her husband and started dating women. What I love about Racquel is that she is not just queer she is a lesssssssssssssbian with 13 S-es. Weâve had lesbians on Housewives before, but it was Jenna, Braunwyn on RHOC, and Julia on RHOM. These are pretty, femme lesbians who wear gowns and get into glam. Racquel is in braids, wearing leather, and on the back of a motorcycle with her even butcher girlfriend. Itâs like the previous lesbians were just warming America up for something a little bit more left-field, and I couldnât be happier about that. Judging the rest of Racquel will have to wait a few episodes due to the Eileen Davidson Accord, but Iâm glad our lesbians are trending even more lesbianic.
The other newbie is Rebecca Minkoff, who is only a friend of, so we can judge her immediately. I reflexively hate her for a number of reasons, but mostly because sheâs introduced to the crew by Erin who, of course, calls her âBecky Minkoff.â Itâs giving Kelly Killoren Bensimon on Scary Island. âYou know my friend Gwyneth ⊠Paltrow.â
Iâm so excited to talk shit about Erin, a woman so basic that she will never be pH-balanced. I find my hatred of her so energizing, like I just took three Viagras and snorted an Adderall, thatâs how aroused I am to explore my loathing. It really came out in her scene at Serendipity with her husband, Abe. Sheâs telling him about a townhouse she might buy for their family with a mural of cherubs on the ceiling. He responds, âWe can take some mushrooms and stare at it for hours.â
She says, âStop. You canât say that. Why did you go there? You shouldnât joke about drugs. What are you? Dumb?â I love that the editors treated us to a flashback from last season when Erin talked about mushrooms to show that she did it, too. However, what Erin is trying to say in this scene, which she makes clear in her confessional, is that she doesnât want him to say it on camera. This is the correction that Erin has made. She watched every shitty thing she did last season and her one takeaway is that her husband should censor himself from talking about drugs.
This annoys me for many reasons. First of all, it was a joke, and we all know it was. A stupid joke, yes, but a joke. Also, if Erin and her husband did mushrooms it would be the coolest thing about them. Why not let us think you do mushrooms, Erin? Thatâs the one thing that might make me want to hang out with you. But the real reason I hate it is because Erin is instructing her husband to be fake on camera. Sheâs making plain the fact that we are not getting the real Erin or the real Abe, but the versions of themselves she thinks are fit for public consumption. That is the opposite of what the show should be. The only thing that works on Housewives is authenticity.
To make it even worse, Abe says in his confessional that Erin isnât really mad about the mushroom joke, sheâs mad about other issues that have going on at home. Then in her confessional she says, âIâm not going there. I donât know that Iâm ready to talk about all this stuff between Abe and I.â Okay, first she espouses being fake on camera (just like her buddy Becky Minkoff did) and now sheâs actively trying not to talk about her personal life? Okay, if thatâs the case, then Erin needs to give back her check and apple. This is what the show is about: being yourself and sharing your life. Erin seems to think she doesnât have to, that sheâs too good for it. God, I hate this woman so much. I also couldnât be happier to have her back.
Of course, when all the women get together at Brynnâs big cocktail party to kick off the season, Erin is at the center of the drama. Sheâs mad that Brynn has been telling the rest of the women that she called Jenna âpoor.â The way we hear it is that Erin and Jenna went out to lunch in the Hamptons, and Jennaâs vintage Mercedes broke down. (If you want to ride in her Mercedes, boy, tough luck cause that shit is busted.) Erin got her an Uber, but Jenna never paid her back. Erin told this story to Brynn and Jessel, and then Brynn went and told Jenna that Erin had said she was âpoorâ or âhaving money troubles.â Erin says she â100 percentâ did not say it and Brynn says she totally did.
What I think happened is that Erin told them the story and was like, âAnd she didnât even pay me back. What is she? Poor?â Erin meant it as a joke, but the problem is Erin is about as funny as pancreatic cancer. Erin is as funny as rising sea levels. Erin is as funny as a fart in yoga class. Wait, I take it back. Farts in yoga are hilarious. It did not come off as a joke. (As we established earlier, Erin is not a suitable judge for what is funny.) But I also think that Brynn took it and intentionally twisted it. She knew it was a (terrible) joke, but she wanted to create strife between Erin and Jenna, so she purposefully misconstrued it. So, yes, Erin did say it, but not in the spirit that Brynn recounted it.
This seems to be an emerging pattern with Brynn. Erin recounts the cheese incident that started off last season. We also see her pull up a text from Sai calling Jesselâs husband, Dory from Finding Nemo. (Thatâs mean, but, honestly, I see it.) Even though Sai and Jessel are good now and even going for cold plunges together, Brynn is deploying an old text to get Sai and Jessel fighting. But the real way that she did Sai dirty was telling Jenna that Sai hated her.
Again, this is a true thing that is taken out of context. Sai was telling people, including Erin, that she couldnât stand Jenna last season. Even though she was over it once filming stopped, Brynn had to bring it back around to make sure that everyone in the group loves her the most. Sai and (ugh) Erin are right, Brynn wants to be the favorite, so she pits everyone against each other. This might work in a normal group of friends, but when you see all sides on this show itâs almost impossible to pull off.
The difference between Erin and the all-new Sai, who is now going to therapy, is that Erin takes Brynnâs bait, and Sai doesnât. At the party, Sai sidles up to Jenna and admits her part in it. She says that, yes, she didnât initially like Jenna because she didnât feel like she was being authentic and, yes, she told a lot of people that. Sai admits she judged Jenna and was wrong. âAt the end of the day youâre cool,â Sai tells her, âand I just want to say Iâm sorry.â Sai owns it, she apologizes, and she means it. Erin is so worried about being right and moral that she canât admit to her part in the misunderstanding, and that is why it leads to a much bigger fight.
Jenna apparently told Erin about the conversation she had with Brynn and Jessel in the furniture store about Erin calling Jenna poor. Erin then texts Jessel and says, âSo disappointed.â When Jessel tries to just have a light conversation with Erin, she says Jessel is being mean to her. Sister, maybe ask Jessel what went down before just assuming things and accusing her. Though Jessel didnât entirely shut the story down, she did say she thought Erin was trying to make a joke, which is like having her back. Chill out, Erin.
But now, sadly, I have to defend Erin against Brynn. Apparently, Brynn is mad because she says that Erin agreed with Jeff Lewis on his radio show when he asked questions about Brynn and where she gets her money. Jeff insinuates that someone is âhelping support her,â meaning a man of some sort. Erin firmly denies it. Jeff continues speculating, but Erin did her part and said that Brynn wasnât getting money from a man. Brynn twists this story to say that Erin agreed that she is a âcall girlâ or âfucks men for money,â but no one ever said that. There was a sugar baby insinuation, but that was as bad as it got.
The women are all together fighting about this and their husbands are at the other end of the bar fighting about who can hold their breath the longest. This is why there will never be a Real Househusbands show.
When Sai tells Brynn sheâs wrong and that Jeff never said what she says he did and that Erin didnât back it, that is when Brynn goes for Sai with the thing about Pavit. Sai freaks out, and Bianca Del Rioâs out, saying, âNot today, Satan.â Brynn is very upset at that, saying she did nothing wrong, she doesnât wreak havoc on the group like Sai accused her off. âI just laugh and giggle all day,â Brynn says. Thatâs her ultimate defense, thatâs why sheâs all smiles and unicorns all the time. She stirs the shit, starts drama with everyone, and then just giggles like Marily Monroe doing Whip-Its as if thereâs no way she could ever be malicious. But thatâs the problem with a second season. While many of the women have changed, some have stayed the same, and weâre starting to figure out just what the hell is wrong with them.
The Real Housewives of New York City Premiere Recap
