The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Think Horses, Not Zebras
By
Shamira Ibrahim,
a freelancer who explores identity, cultural production, and tech
In the words of the esteemed founder of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences, Brian Moylan, most fights on Housewives are not really about whatever the ladies are talking about on camera, but are really about the show and the power struggles around what is going on behind the scenes, namely, compensation. When the girls locked in on Denise Richards in Beverly Hills, a big part of that was because of the seven-figure paycheck she commanded while barely filming. The Atlanta ladies turned on Kim Zolciak as soon as she got too big for her britches and thought she had secured a gravy train with her NFL husband and spinoff. The hierarchy that income presents is understood subtext for those who are savvy (or nosy enough) to make sense of the maze of blind items, shady Instagram stories, and thinly-veiled tweets from glam team assistants to understand that when the ladies of Married to Medicine engage in their seasonal Quad humiliation ritual, itâs not solely because sheâs insufferable and annoyingly dramatic, but also because she establishes clear boundaries between her coworkers on the show and her real-life friends.
Because I am incorrigibly nosy, I can generally immediately glean what the subtextual shade of any scene is about â odds are Iâve already listened to the obscure podcast posted in the recesses of the official subreddit months ago â I am primed to understand the actual tension onscreen. For example, it was clear in the premiere of Potomac that Stacey was putting Keiarna on notice with the âyouâve been trying to come around for years.â Theyâre both trying to stand out, and Keiarna is realizing that Staceyâs star is rising as hers is dimming â Stacey is calling out her desperation to get a camera moment by manufacturing tension between them. Itâs cheeky but fairly straightforward. This episode, however ⊠I have no idea what, if anything, the actual issue is between these women.
Iâll go from most to least comprehensible. Stacey is not taking the jabs against her lying down and is recruiting Jassi for her revenge. Stacey is well within her rights to want to strike back, but I must say, her acting was worse than the time Cynthia was forced to expose Mr. Chocolate. That said, Jassi seems down for the tag team, and oohed and aahed appropriately at the reveal that â drumroll, please â Gizelle is dating. If they want to return fire, theyâre just going to have to come harder than that.
Then we have Wendy versus Keiarna. I get the gist of Keiarnaâs issue: she wants them to be legitimate friends, and Wendy views her and K as work friends, which doesnât suffice for her. She doesnât want to do the phony double kiss at events; she wants genuine friendship, sisterhood, bonding ⊠but that is just not what Wendy offers. Explaining the intricacies of tensions between women and they ways that passive aggressive tactics are used damn near requires and advanced degree in sociology so Iâm not all that surprised that Keiarna is getting flustered at Wendyâs deadpan energy; but she has to know that she is simply not communicating her issue well at all, and Wendy is not going to give her any rope beyond the exact amount she needs to hang herself. Wendy laughed in Keiarnaâs face, and they both threw up middle fingers at each other, yet they walked out of that scene arm in arm â I would need 10,000 words to explain how that indicates the emotionally volatile behavior of women who have dominated their respective group chats, fuming about each other.
While I more or less get the gist of the above issues, when the horses start coming in, everything stops making sense. First, thereâs tension about two competing events between Keiarna and Wendy, except Keiarnaâs is a pre-party at the condo, and Wendy is hosting a formal party at the race, so thereâs actually no conflict at all. Then, the chin-checking issue is resurrected, except now Gizelle is mad that Angel said Keiarna doubled back, and Angel claims she would have a serious issue if she lied. So then Keiarna cops to saying it, and Angel seems happy as a clam, and now Wendy and Gizelle are annoyed with her that sheâs not mad at Keiarna, and now Keiarna is mad at everyone in her condo? I genuinely donât understand what we are supposed to care about here or why. I get that Angel is wishy washy about calling out her best friend in front of the crew, but most people wouldnât leap to drag their best friend with an audience. I just am struggling to wrap my head around why the phrase âchin-checkâ is such an issue to be continuously dragged out like this; itâs starting to remind me of how we spent an entire season arguing the semantics of âviolatedâ on Beverly Hills.
By the time Stacey and Keiarna reprise their argument, I am simply fully lost as to what everyoneâs issue with each other is. Stacey hasnât gotten invited to Keiarnaâs functions, Keiarna doesnât care for her, Stacey reminds her of the physical altercation they had, and I am just wondering why this has all gotten so hostile. Now weâre piling into the van, and Angel has an issue with Wendy, and Iâm just stuck, wondering how the word âchin-checkedâ caused all this. Usually, the alliances and subtext are quite obvious â this time, it felt like Keiarna was trying hard to establish her rightful place at the table, and everyone endured friendly fire as a result of her half-hearted efforts.
Anyway, the taglines have finally arrived. Letâs rate them, shall we?
Gizelle: âWhen the nest is empty, itâs time for naked, grown, and sexy.â Given that we never see any real information on her personal life, I donât even understand what this is supposed to mean. I canât tell if Gizelle is threatening us with more rompers or doing a sponsored ad as an ambassador for Porshaâs Go Naked Hair. 3/10
Wendy: âI put the high in higher education.â Given the state of bliss the Osefos seemed to be in in their mugshots, I do believe that Happy Eddie indeed does the job. But talk about some awful timing, my word. 5/10
Stacey: âSome people believe the lies, but still I rise.â Given that TMZ recently confirmed Staceyâs divorce, she may very well be right. 7/10
Keiarna: âBeauty is my business, but getting you together is my specialty.â Unfortunately, I fear that recent evidence does not support this claim. 5/10
Tia: âYou can only clutch pearls if you have them, and darling, I have loads.â The delivery is what really sells this. Sheâs up against a weak field, but definitely the strongest one. 7/10
Angel: âHell hath no fury like an Angel scorned.â Cute enough but if this episode is any indication, I think she may be writing a check that her mouth canât cash. 6/10
Ashley: âThis cherry blossom is ready for her second bloom.â Who has got this whole concept of a second bloom stuck in Ashleyâs head? Itâs nonsensical and silly. 4/10
This episode might have been more confusing than the third act of a Chris Nolan movie, but we are about to take the cast to St. Kitts and Nevis, where we can at least be befuddled while staring at the beach. See yâall next week!
âą I laughed out loud when Gizelle politely informed Angel that her sound bowl event was boring as hell. I am sorry, but I have seen enough faux meditation routines for the next four lifetimes.
Genuinely astonished by how little I miss Mia on my screen, but I hope her and Bobby Valentino (or whatever obscure Atlanta area man who was relevant 15 years ago she has glommed onto now) are doing well.
Stacey being a pageant mom is as predictable as Kenya Mooreâs color contacts. But Arabella looked cute!
Ashley looked beyond absurd doing spin class with a melted wig and a full face of makeup. Just splash on some powder, fill in the brows, and call it a day!
Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Think Horses, Not Zebras
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