“You Look Healthy” And 5 Other Phrases You Should Never Say To Someone You’re Eating With
âYou just always have to be healthy.âÂ
A former co-worker used to snarkily say this to me at every group work meal whenever I ordered a salad or something else vegetarian, which I was at the time. She always said it in a way that suggested she perceived what was on my plate as an insult to whatever she ate. It wasnât, of course.Â
Her constant comments about what I ate usually led others in the group to laugh and ask me dozens of questions about my meals. Why was I eating this and not that? Was I on a diet? All the questioning and talk about what I ate for lunch made me so self-conscious that I skipped these group lunches whenever possible.Â
The habit of commenting on what others eat is common, said Heather Baker, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Prosperity Eating Disorders and Wellness Center in Herndon, Virginia. âItâs a way to forge a connection with someone else,â Baker said. âFood is this universal commonality that we share, so itâs only natural that we have this desire to comment on it.âÂ
But doing so can be harmful, she added.Â
âComments about food and eating can be difficult for someone with an eating disorder or someone who is anxious about eating with others,â Dr. Evelyn Attia, a psychiatrist and director of the Center for Eating Disorders at New York-Presbyterian Westchester Behavioral Health, told HuffPost.Â
Attia said these remarks â even if theyâre well-meaning â can make some people feel judged, shamed and self-conscious.Â
Experts say when in doubt, itâs best to avoid commenting on what others eat. Hereâs why, which statements are especially harmful, and what to do if you often hear these types of comments.Â
Why You Shouldnât Comment On What Others Eat
The simple answer: You never know what someone else is going through and why theyâre eating what theyâre eating, Brittney Lauro, lead therapist at eating disorder treatment platform Equip, told HuffPost.Â
Someone could be dealing with or recovering from an eating disorder, for example, and Lauro said remarking on how healthy theyâre eating or that theyâre âbeing goodâ by eating vegetables could come across as praise for their condition.
People might also have health conditions where dietary changes, such as giving up gluten or going plant-based, are necessary, explained Melissa Preston, a licensed professional counselor, registered dietitian and co-founder at Omni Counseling and Nutrition in Denver, Colorado.Â
Beyond health, people from different cultures may have experienced shaming around what they eat in the past, and comments can cause these feelings to resurface, Preston added.Â
The bottom line is, Baker said, âThereâs no way of knowing how someone will interpret a comment about food, even if there are good intentions behind it.âÂ
While Lauro said she believes most comments about what others eat are well-meaning, she said, generally, itâs best to avoid remarking on it. Here are some phrases that you should never say to the people youâre dining with:
âI would never eat ___.â Pointing out how you avoid eating whatever is on someoneâs plate, for whatever reason, could make them feel shamed, Preston said. It also reinforces diet culture and can seem like youâre comparing your body to theirs, Baker added, especially if you say something like, âI could never eat that much sugar, or Iâd gain weight.âÂ
âYouâre not going to eat all of that, are you?â Statements like this can make someone feel judged about their eating choices, Attia said. Also, avoid commenting on your own plate size or fullnessââI ate too much,â for instance â which might make someone feel self-conscious about what they ate, Baker said.Â
âOh, youâre being good (or bad) today.â Avoid labeling foods as âgoodâ or âbadâ or âhealthyâ or âunhealthy,â Lauro said. For example, if you say, âIsnât that unhealthy to eat for breakfast,â it could foster a sense of shame and be triggering for some people. She emphasized the âall foods fitâ concept, meaning thereâs room for all foods in someoneâs diet. âNothingâs off limits unless, of course, you have a food allergy,â she said.Â
âAre you dieting?â âNever comment on how food is going to affect someoneâs body,â such as gaining or losing weight, Preston said. On the flip side, avoid talking negatively about your own appearance in relation to what you eat in the presence of others, Lauro added.Â
âI live by a phrase that I often hear in my field: âMy appearance is the least interesting thing about me,ââ Lauro said. âThereâs so many more topics that we can cover.âÂ
âYou look healthy.â This might sound like a compliment, but Baker said it could be misinterpreted by someone with an eating disorder as implying that they gained weight, which can âstart a spiral of negative self-talk.âÂ
She said, âInstead, do comment on the aspects of the personâs personality or self-hood that you are noticing more and are grateful to reconnect with.âÂ
âThat looks good.â This is a tricky one. In some cases, it could be harmless. But Preston said some people, especially those in eating disorder recovery, donât want any attention drawn to their meals.Â
âLetting someone know that their food looks delicious can be experienced as a message that suggests they are indulging in their choice of food or not valuing health in their food choices,â Attia said.
How To Respond To What Others Say About What You EatÂ
If you hear these kinds of comments often and they bother you, Attia suggested developing a strategy for responding and coping. This might differ depending on your relationship with the person and how comfortable you feel addressing remarks head-on.Â
First, avoid agreeing with the commentator and joining in labeling foods or discussing whether or not you should be eating it, Preston said. âThatâs what the person is expecting as a response, comments like, âI shouldnât be eating that.ââÂ
Often, changing the subject is the best strategy. When someone says, âThat looks really healthy,â say, âOh, it tastes really good,â Preston suggested. That takes the attention off the health aspect.Â
Redirecting can help, too, Lauro said. When someone brings up something you donât want to discuss, ask them about something completely unrelated, such as BeyoncĂ©âs new country album or another current event. Â
If you feel comfortable being direct, Baker said to simply say, âCan we not talk about food or our bodies?âÂ
Lauro said to always be kind to yourself, set boundaries and know your limits regarding what youâre comfortable (and not comfortable) discussing.Â
If youâre struggling with an eating disorder, call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org for support.This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
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